Category: Divorce

Divorce

Trust Yourself to Change

A few weeks ago, I read this piece that advocates learning to trust your future self as a way to be effective in making life changes.

The premise is that our brains are wired to prioritize rewards in the near future versus those that take longer to obtain.  Good news:  It’s possible to circumvent this so that we’re not always slaves to immediate gratification.  Researcher George Ainslie identified that our brains can ‘bundle’ benefits that we expect to receive to help us hold out for the delayed rewards; we’re “mentally projecting [ourselves] into the future so [we] can experience the satisfaction of tomorrow’s rewards today”.

What’s tricky, however, is trusting that our future self will act the way we’d like him or her to in order to actually get the reward bundle.  For me, the “aha” moment of the piece was the recommendation to “establish a pattern of evidence for your own brain to observe” regarding following through on the incredibly simple, fail-proof rule you set for yourself.  In essence, you’re building credibility with yourself to become confident that the future you will do what you need him or her to in order to achieve that lovely bundle of long-term rewards.  Simple?  Seemingly.  Easy?  Time to give it a try.

Divorce/Legal Separation/Divorce

What Makes a Mediator Effective?

This article went up last month on HBR.org.  The title says it all: “Antagonistic Mediators Can Make Resolving Disputes Easier”.  Huh?

Although we tend to think of mediators as “nice”, empathetic people, the article cites research that suggests that a different style could be more effective at times.  For the types of disputes studied, a “hostile” mediator generated greater willingness on the part of adversaries to reach agreement.  In a nutshell, a hostile mediator enabled the parties to ally against him/her to move forward to resolve their dispute.

What I think is important to note about these findings is that the dispute was a business dispute.  The relationship between disputants in that type of case is very different from one where spouses, former spouses, or family members are involved.  Emotional currents can run much deeper for folks who have been married, have kids, or are related; I find it harder to imagine that a “mean” mediator would be as effective with parties who are already in a difficult emotional place (or, perhaps the mediator doesn’t have to be “as” mean).

On a personal note, what struck me about the piece is that “hostile” is rarely how I relate to people.  Client feedback is that I’m calm, and helpful.  To act in a hostile manner would be inconsistent with my personality, something that would be apparent pretty quickly.  I think that the research results on the “Surprising Effectiveness of Hostile Mediators” will stay theoretically interesting.

 

Divorce/Estate/Financial Planning/Legal Separation/Divorce/Marriage/Money

What’s Yours is Yours

One of the things that I find (incredibly) nerdily interesting about my work is the concept of the character of property.  In Washington, most property is either separate property or community property.  (I’ll spare you the “quasi-community” property and the legal nuances that arise when parties move to/from a community property state from another state.)

Legally, there’s a presumption that what you acquired before marriage (either as an asset or debt) is your separate property or obligation.  When you marry, or in certain cohabitation circumstances, the legal presumption changes and the law begins to think of folks as a financial team.  Property that’s acquired is assumed to be community property; debt that’s acquired is presumed to be community debt; and the name that something is in is not the “last word” as to the character of the property.  These ideas, “Community Property 101”, if you will are key concepts for my pre-nuptial, divorce, and estate planning clients, as the character of property determines where the financial focus is in a divorce and what you have control to give away in a will.

A line I’ll often throw out is this:  “What’s mine is yours” is the opposite of the concept of separate property.  If it’s “mine”–my separate property–then it’s likely going to stay mine unless there’s a clear indication that I wanted to change that.  While “what’s mine is yours” may be a romantic notion, it’s not how the law sees it.

To that end, I thought that this piece on CNN Money was both clear and helpful.  The piece is primarily a response to the question of “if I marry my boyfriend [will] his student loan debt [become] mine too”?  The short answer is “No”.  Debt acquired before marriage?  That’s separate debt.  The longer answer is very thoughtful, though, as there will be impacts on the marital community from the existence of the debt.  In other words, while the debt is a separate debt, they’ll share its impact.

Divorce/Estate/Financial Planning/Legal Separation/Divorce/Money

Decide What Your Stuff is Worth

This excerpt on Slate.com offers a “Minimalist” perspective on some of the hidden costs of our belongings.  I’m not siding one way or the other in the stuff debate, rather I’m recognizing that–as is true for everything–being mindful of our acquisitions is critical.

As kids, we learn that it costs money to buy something.  It’s as we get older that we recognize it also costs time, energy, and money to maintain it.  Having a car is great, until you have to wash it.  Having a backyard is great, until you have to weed it.  Having a house is great, until you have to replace the water heater.  As Joshua Fields Millburn writes:  “No matter how organized we are, we must continue to care for the stuff we organize, sorting and cleaning our meticulously structured belongings.”

In my work, I see the financial challenges that folks face to get and maintain their stuff.  I also see the choices they have to make during tough times such as divorce or death.  Like many professionals who work with divorcing couples, I have seen what happens when anger, fear, and disappointment converge and a normal object’s importance far surpasses its market value.  The emotions of the divorce distort the client’s sense of worth so that it seems fighting over that object is a good use of their time, energy, and money.  I suspect that if these clients’ wiser selves could talk to them, they’d advise saving money and skipping the battle.

Will contests happen when heirs are unhappy with how a relation’s estate passed.  To some extent, estate planning in Washington is simplified by the fact that a testator (person making a will) can create their own, separate, written instructions as to the disposition of tangible personal property.  Nevertheless, at death, your choices about what things felt deserved your time, energy, and money will directly impact the person or persons who administer your estate.  

For myself, I’d say that I’m a “sufficient-ist”.  I need stuff; stuff helps comfort and entertain.  And I want my stuff to be worth the time, energy, and money that it takes to maintain it.  

 

Divorce/Money

The “How” of Financial Happiness

Can it be that more than two months have passed since my last post?  It never ceases to amaze me how November and December seem to fly by!  My latest theory pins blame on the 4:30pm Seattle winter sunsets…but enough kvetching about daylight in this northern latitude! Onward!  

My purpose here is to blog about Sonja Lyubomirsky’s “The How of Happiness:  A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want”.  True, it’s not a new book.  That said, it nevertheless offers some good food for thought.  (Surf over here to check out the book’s website.)

Lyubomirsky’s conceptual starting point is that we desire a set of circumstances–a life packed with beauty, wealth and/or fun times–because we think that’ll make us happy.  In fact, based on the research she cites, only 10% of our happiness comes from circumstances.  On the other hand, 40% of our happiness comes from intentional activity on our part.  Put another way, our behavior determines four times as much of our happiness as our circumstances do!

I’m going to gloss over the heart of the book and instead encourage you to just read it.  You yourself have to figure out what combination of Lyuomirsky’s dozen happiness activities are likely to make you happy.  The punchline for this post is the importance of one of the five “hows” of happiness:  the “how” of motivation, effort and commitment.  Lyubomirsky stresses the following as being important to happiness:

  1. You must resolve to undertake a program to become happier.
  2. You must learn what you need to do.
  3. You must put weekly or even daily effort into it.
  4. You must commit to the goal for a long period of time, possibly for the rest of your life.

Of course, while Lyubomirsky lists these steps in service of a happiness program, they apply to any effort for change.  That’s why I thought of my financial coaching clients when I read this.  These steps are critical to moving past financial pain points and moving on to financial well-being.  As I write this now, I’m wondering about how to incorporate these steps into my coaching in an explicit-but-not-obnoxious way.  It’s worth following these steps, don’t you think, even if money doesn’t buy happiness?

 

Divorce/Legal Separation/Divorce

Kidney a Property Issue in Divorce

In Washington, an important part of dividing up the assets and debts in a divorce or legal separation is first determining what’s community property and what’s not.  In New York, a judge may be called on to determine what kind of property a kidney is!

As you may have already read, there’s a New York couple in the process of divorcing and the unique property issue they have is over the wife’s kidney.  It was donated to her by her husband, a vascular surgeon.  I can’t speculate on how the case will turn out, as I’m not familiar with the law in New York, but it seems pretty unlikely to me that the judge will give Dr. Batista the relief he’s requested:  Either a return of the kidney or $1.5 million in compensation.

In Washington, the legal analysis starts with whether disputed property is separate or community.  (New York is not a community property state, although I suspect they have an analogous concept, such as “martial property”.)  According to the law in Washington, property is characterized by when it is acquired.  To start with, then, the kidney would be considered the husband’s separate property.  But then he gave it to the wife…and I bet there was a heck of a lot of paperwork involved to record the “gift”.  My vote:  The kidney belongs to the wife, and not in the divorce negotiations.

Divorce

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Divorce

About

What this blog reflects is the intersection of my professional experience, as well as my goal of helping folks make informed decisions about their personal finances.

First, let me say that it’s great to have you here.  My hope is that you’ll find the posts here to be interesting and informative.

I’ve assumed that you (the Reader) are a person who wants to know more about financial good health and who is willing to put up with the occasional oddball story.  To put all my cards on the table, I also suspect that you’d like to live a happy and financially comfortable life, and that you’re considering what kind of legacy you want to leave (even if you don’t have it all figured out yet).  Let me know if this sounds like you…or not!

I wear a few different professional hats and that all comes through in what I write.  As an attorney, I’ve spent the first part of my career in family law, particularly on divorce and legal separation.  My work has included legal counseling, representation and mediation, all with an emphasis on collaboration and out-of-court resolution.  My professional service offerings now include probate and estate planning services, as well as financial coaching services as a certified financial recovery counselor.